I'm not so good at secrets yet no one knows much about me. *sighs* The irony....

I'm in need of a vaction and I mean a vacation. Where on earth is this vaction going to be? I know exactly who I'd like to spend it with.... but WHERE?!

Bongo-ed your bongos at 3:37 AM

Slight snafoo in my scheme of things. No need to go into detail about it - just the jist of it all. I'm not a healthy person emotionally or mentally. This has been going on for probably a year now, perhaps longer. Why am I just admitting it now? It's starting to have an affect on my relationships. If I seem distant, it's nothing personal. I'm just trying to get a grip on reality and fix what I have let go wrong for so long.

Bongo-ed your bongos at 2:21 PM

I take it back. I don't want to see anyone. No parties for me. I'd rather sit at home passed out from chasing valium with wine.

Don't worry about me though. I do just fine on my own -grins-

Torn ~ Natalie Imbruglia ............... this woman is singging how I feel.

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm
He came around
And he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry

Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know
Or seem to care
What your heart is for
I don't know him anymore

There's nothin' where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothings right
I'm torn

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins
And now, I don't care
I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch
I'm torn

There's nothin' he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's right
I'm torn

Bongo-ed your bongos at 10:00 PM

Oh my... someone still reads this...

The drudgery of Macy's. They're decorating for Christmas. That's just sick. Halloween hasn't even passed yet you corporate bastards! The plus side this mad decorating, it reminds me of Nightmare Before Chrismas. Oh do behave!

A new wrinkle in my life is the death of my Buster cat. He passed away in his sleep last Sunday and I'm still sad about it. Some of you anti-pet people may question my sanity for actually mourning the death of a pet but it happens. That's life so don't ridicule me. I'm raw dammit.

I'm looking forward to Halloween now. I'm hoping to see old friends and meet new ones.

Jay Goode! Take me to that party - I command thee.

Bongo-ed your bongos at 10:55 AM

The storm has passed. I can come out now to play but I don't want to. I've been discarded too easily - my ego is bruised. I'm like wallpaper and you just keep on going by without a second thought.

Bongo-ed your bongos at 7:29 AM

This place sucks. I don't mean Evansville the city persay [word?] - I mean the reality I have created for myself. It's a hell hole. I need a change... a big change. My mind is yearning for something new, my body is aching for a new touch.

You know what the hell I want to do?! I want to quit this bullshit college crap and go be a stinkin' flight attendant. In the spring, I want to apply to ALL airlines and hopefully get hired on in the summer. I'll go anywhere they want to send me! But you know what I'm going to do? Probably move back home to my new old life. New old life you ask? My family is moving and said they've already planned in my coming home for the summer = new. The same people will be in that city that I ran away from in the first place = old.

That old part of my life is still too fresh... raw opened wounds are still there. I would feel to vulnerable there. Yet if I stay here in Evansville, I'll shut myself away. No one will reach me. I will be consumed with fear of letting others get too close again and then just hurt me. I'm chickenshit. I run. I hide. It's a bitch.

I want to leave this physical and emotional place and leave it all behind me. Not a care in the world. Go live with those weird Irish, right Natalie? You know I would like that. Or how about livin' it up with the Italians or the Greeks? I want culture. I crave culture

I'm craving something else... something out west. I want to feel that something and I want that something to feel me. Breath. Smell. Warmth. Understanding.

I can't sleep...

Bongo-ed your bongos at 5:16 AM

Long time no type. Me wonders if people come here anymore since i temporarily abandoned blogger...

To those that call my cell, you may not be able to reach me. I don't receive some calls but I do, however, receive ALL messages. Moral to this schpeel, leave me a message and I will try my damnedest [word?] to get back to you :)

Classes are awesome. I'm a little apprehensive about figure drawing class... not sure if I will be successful in it.

I'm working at Macy's. Boo! So if you want to buy overpriced jewelry or want to open a credit account [wink wink] I'm ALWAYS working except Tuesdays and Thursdays.

My over-reacting thoughts: I'm in debatement over everything. I mean EVERYTHING... friendships [mainly past friendships], my relationship to John, my living status which will effect what college I go to next fall. I'm surprised I don't have an ulcer... just migraines

Good news! I have a new cat! Bad news is I have three cats in a one bedroom apartment with two people live here

Bongo-ed your bongos at 5:06 PM

Still no internet at my apartment. Still no second job. By the way, I work at Macy's . . . stocking ladies shoes. Boring! But it won't interfere with school in the fall - that's nice.

I am no longer eligble for finaical aid including student loans. My earned hours per semester fell below the limit. So, now I have to retake some class to earn my hours or write an appeal letter. I'm opting for the letter because I can't afford to take classes right now. I received an F in intro to Lit. I had it coming. I stopped attending that class [internet class- so I guess I stopped logging in]. The professor and I kept butting heads. Neither one of us could see the picture from the other's point of view. So, I failed that class. And I received an incomplete in my jewelry class. But that prof and I had made an agreement that she would give me the incomplete and I would receive my grade next fall. I didn't complete one piece and she didn't want to lower my grade because she felt my completed work was A quality but I couldn't receive my grade until I completed the one piece. And this is where I've come to a stop. I need to write that appeal letter . . . and . . . hopefully, they will except my appeal and grant me loans again. But if they deny my appeal, I'm going to have to drop 12 hours which will result in no health insurance.

I have an anti-social bug currently. My apologies to my friends who I have not called yet.

I'm in Indy right now. I'm picking up 2 cats to bring back to Evansville. I couldn't take them that last time I was here because my oldest cat was sick and I didn't want him to be stressed over the move AND be sick. But he's much better . . . I miss having my babies. So, I came back to Indy on Thursday and I'll be leaving on Saturday.

Hopefully, John and I will have the internet soon. I'm fienin'! Look out folks. I'm an anti-social mad woman who needs her fix!

I hope all of you are doing well with whatever you're doing. If you have my number, call me sometime. I'm usually at the apartment and not doing a damn thing. LoL Kisses to you all!

Bongo-ed your bongos at 1:20 PM

I won't have the internet for awhile at my new apartment. So for now, I'll be going to the Central Library every Saturday to get my internet fix . . . for 15 minutes at a time. I can't get a library card until I can prove [with mail] that I am a Vanderburgh County resident . . . lame! But oh well

Yes, I'm all moved in. No, I'm not unpacked yet . . . tons of boxes! I won't be in Evansville next weekend because I'm going to my cousin's wedding and picking up my adorable cats in the same weekend!

I'm still jobless. Eeeee!

And, that's about it! Muah! Love you all!

Bongo-ed your bongos at 12:22 PM

I'm rather disappointed in a couple people right now. They did not complete their obligations . . . which leaves me responsible for THEIR obligations. I understand people are busy with life, but so am I dammit. I don't appreciate the lack of consideration they have both demonstrated.

What I have done already on my agenda [Monday]:
signed the lease
put rent money in the bank
put gas in my car
work at Res Life for 3 hours
attend the silly RA banquet - Hawaiian [sp?] theme

what I need to acomplish on my agenda [Monday continued]:
dafter RA banquet, come back to USI apartment and finish packing
after packing, clean ALL of living room and kitch
after cleaning, take packed stuff to Timbers apartment
help John with whatever I can with our stuff

what I need to acomplish on my agenda [Tuesday]:
work at Res Life for another 3 hours
come back to USI apartment to finish any cleaning
return to Timbers apartment and continue to unpack our stuff
find job

what I need to acomplish on my agenda [Wednesday]:
work at Res Life for another 3 hours
continue to find job
officially check out of USI apartment
go to my new home at the Timbers

Audrey, thank you again for jumping in to help me clean the filthy apartment. I really appreciated that soooooooooooooo much!

I'm so glad to be out of here and not deal with so many people [internally or externally] anymore. The week has been rough on me . . . as it has been rough others as well. It's almost over. This week's issues will be over really soon. And then a new set of issues will be close behind . . . but we'll make it.

Bongo-ed your bongos at 2:44 PM

Tonight was alright. The ONLY good thing about tonight was that I saw Jeni and Nicole in a musical called "Anything Goes". It was awesome. I knew nothing about the production. I only knew that my girls were in it . . . and I wanted to watch it! Bravo!!!

And then the evening turned to crap after that. I felt like I was reminded of who actually feeds me. I don't need to be reminded, thank you. It bothers me that I can't afford to feed my belly, thank you. I don't need it thrown in my face, thank you . . . and you can't figure out why I'm irritated.

I'm mad dammit!

And fucking hungry because pride took over.

And now I have nothing to do. For once, in a realllllllllll long time . . . I'm bored out of my mind. I don't want to watch tv. I don't want to read. I don't wan to paint. All I want to do is play WoW . . . but I can't. I am without at the moment. Think I'll go to bed now.

Bongo-ed your bongos at 11:57 PM

Please tell me the difference between "very liberal" and Libertarian. I'm awfully confused. Someone, anyone! please enlighten the political unsavvy . . . I for one . . . am political unsavvy. I'm not proud of it, but dammit . . . at least I can admit it.

For those of you who had auditions today, good luck. I know Kay did . . . I don't know if anyone else did though. Eeeeee, for some reason I feel I should know these things.

10 official days till moving day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update on the family: I'm pretty sure all of my Grandpa's are out of the hospital. Mama is going to Florida to help one Grandpa while the other Grandpa is left to the "medical unsavvy" people . . . a.k.a my dad's family. I'm pregnant - about 2 weeks. The pregancy seems to be fine *so far*. Give it a while before I regret it not taking Plan B. I officially have one father now . . . in my heart. Some of you know what I'm talking about. If you don't know and want to know what the hell I'm talking about, just email, call, ask . . . whatever. For the meantime, I have my closure - for now.

10 offical days till moving day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My paintings are coming along swimmingly . . . a bit slow, but just fine. Jewelery is kickin' ass. I'm on a roll in that class.

Oh, and I'm not pregnant. I was just keeping all of you on your toes. Hope I made some of your hearts jump a bit. HA! I'm hysterical! I crack my shit up . . .

Moving on. I have loads of crap in my room because of this move to the new apartment. I lost my jewelery artbox in here. No worries! I found it though. Nice little warm and fuzzy update, isn't this? Well, minus the pregnant joke, eh?

Again, tell me the difference between Libertarian and "very liberal" NOW!

Bongo-ed your bongos at 7:05 PM

Cara, you've already heard my song . . . but Kay, you obviously . . . have . . . NOT. So here it is - in the tune "Hust Little Baby" [the nursery rhyme]

Hush little Gordy don't you pout.
Libbers gonna get you a great big trout.
If that trout don't taste like fish,
Libbers gonna get you a silver dish.
If that silver dish don't shine,
Libbers gonna get you a stuffed swine.
If that stuffed swine don't oink
Libbers gonna get you a sex kitten to boink.

The End

I wrote it in honor of Gordy. Like? Jas wasn't too sure toward the end . . . . . . I'm just not a literary person, Jas. Stop judging me!

Bongo-ed your bongos at 2:27 AM

My life is a series of hallways with many, many, many doors. There is a constant breeze flowing through...... closing some doors....... opening other doors. And the wind keeps blowing certain doors ajar. Find the source of the wind that opens the certain doors ajar and snuff it out!

Bongo-ed your bongos at 2:47 AM

It must be in the air.... Nostalgia.... It's a killer.... particularly when you're thinking of times that you're wanting to forget. Just laying on the bed, listening to some music and he invades into my thoughts. Thank my giddy-aunt the phone rang and my thoughts were interupted.

But then there are times I don't know how I could forget. Botter messaged me saying that she couldn't believe it's been 4 years since our awesome junior year in high school. She and I gawked with admiration at our eye candy of the moment. Those were the days when we would drive passed said candy's homes to see if they were home. Whether they were home or not, we never did anything. We were just keeping "surveilence" [sp?] on the them. Silly little girls....

Bongo-ed your bongos at 9:45 PM

2 weeks till showtime and I'm in a fucking block. PAINTINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They'll be the death of me. I have 1 finish, 2 halfway, 1 drawn out, and 2 . . . . well 2 canvases . . . . I have no fucking clue what I'm going to paint. I'm at a fucking block!

::smacking head::

::curses self::

I don't know what to paint. It all has to have meaning. Why does it HAVE to have meaning?! Why can't it be non-thought provoking?! Just look at it for it's simplicity or it's beauty. Why must it be analyzed until you forget what you're even looking at?

This is why I don't want to be a fucking painter! Sure, I enjoy it but you art critics out there are sucking the life out of art. I don't want my art to make you think . . . . I want my art to be soft, pleasing, calming, and relaxing dammit!

I just can't concentrate with all these distractions. The fucking tv is on. I can hear giggling from the living room. STOP IT before I take away your existence!

Bongo-ed your bongos at 2:23 AM

Some little fecker has hit my car! No? Yes! My car's left rearend . . . . poor thing. A hit-n-run? Yes! How do I know? Good question. The paint is crack and there's rubber marks on the side. Apparently, the dumb feck hit my sweet Eva and made the bumper buckle in and then the buckle popped out. Bastards! How dare you hit a pink car!

Bongo-ed your bongos at 2:50 PM

Let me share an email I received from my supervisor [sp?]. Here goes:

Jennifer,
There is a bumper on the other side of your building right behind your apartment, in the bushes. It belongs to the guy that drives the black jeep like mine. Tell him he needs to do something with it, or it will be put in the dumpster. If it is not gone by Friday, please throw it away. Thanks!

My reply if I were a disrespectful adult would be:

To my dearest Matt,
Um, no. I am not a member of the trash collection agency. K? Thankies!

Love, love your favorite RA in the entire world,
Jen-Jen

P.S. Eat my shorts

Hmmmmmm, can I get that in a singging telegram format? The End. That's the end of my schpeel. Congrats to all my good friends cast in the "Little Shop of Horrors". I wish I could be there tonight for opening night but, instead, I'm working another mundane desk shift. Break a leg!

To any of my residents who own a jeep minus a bumper or are friends with him, pick the damn bumper up. If you're going to hide it in the bushes, at least do better at hiding. Can't you put it in a tree or something? Or the roof of our apartment building? Ooooooooo, or on Matt's walkway? That'd me nice.

Bongo-ed your bongos at 5:18 PM

Go HERE to look at old faces . . . . Fortuneately for me, there aren't any bad old faces that upchuck the not-so-good memories. Look me up and add me you silly geese. You'll know what I'm talkin' about once you get there.

Bongo-ed your bongos at 3:27 AM

Audrey Raber! I wish you had a journal where I could leave comments. I want to leave comments and let you know that I read . . . even though you don't update often.

Bongo-ed your bongos at 2:35 AM